The Hardest Thing...

This blog is about my travels. About what it's like for me to live and travel in new countries far away from my home. Until now, I've basically written about what surrounds me, and how those surroundings affect me.

But, there's a whole other aspect of traveling and living abroad that I haven't even touched on. And it's far and away the hardest thing about traveling. It's a million times more difficult than beating the sweltering heat in Phnom Penh, it's more difficult than language barriers in Korea, more difficult than 20 hour bus rides in India, living out of a van for four months in New Zealand, and far more difficult than dragging my ass up a 5000 meter mountain pass in Nepal. The absolute hardest thing about traveling is:  being away from those you love. Especially being FAR away. So far that when something happens, something that tears apart the heart of someone you love madly... you have to live with knowing that you can't be there to help.

For those who don't want to read a blog that's going to stop being fun for awhile, and dig deeper into some harsh realities instead... stop now. It was never my intention to write about anything personal here, but I can not pretend that traveling is only about amazing adventures, new cultures, and everlasting memories. Because while I'm on the other side of the planet collecting those memories, back home where my family and so many friends reside, life keeps happening there too. Memories keep being made there, memories that I'm not a part of. And it's not just the tragedies that make me yearn to be closer. There's promotions, birthdays, weddings, births, graduations, and all the other little celebrations, achievements and turning points in life. I miss practically all of them. I can only celebrate with my family and friends in the most important moments of their lives, over Skype. On top of that, there's the hard stuff. Like two months ago, with the passing away of a grandparent, my Grandma Hamm. Even if I'd decided to spend the $1500+ that it would have cost to fly home on short notice, I still wouldn't have made it back in time for the funeral. Cause I'm that far away.

Then this week happens, and it rocks the very core of my being. Last Saturday night, I spent over an hour catching up with my family. Both of my sisters were at home in Kenosha, and my little niece Mckailynn was still awake way past her bedtime. My mom and Stepdad were there, and Mckailynn's father Steve even popped in for a bit while we were all on Skype. I got off the phone thinking I was practically as good as home. That night, Steve tucked Mckailynn into bed, and rubbed my sister' sore back before he left. All was well. But by the next morning, everything had changed forever. By the next morning, my littlest sister's reality had been sliced into bits. Around 2am Steve got into a motorcyle accident, and she had spent dawn's hours holding Steve's hand in a hospital bed, until his injuries overtook him and he died. Her five year roller coaster relationship with the one man that she'd given her whole heart to, was stamped out in the blink of an eye. To see my baby sister uncontrollably sobbing, unimaginably grieving over such a shocking and horrific loss... and to not even be able to offer her a HUG? Is this really the situation I've chosen to put myself in?

While my whole family is struggling to cope with this unbelievable tragedy, I move about the streets of Phnom Penh, blurry eyed and watching the still unfamiliar sights of this world that's so removed from the one that I come from... and I can't help but wonder about the choices I've made. What am I doing here? Why aren't I there? Why is my home a million miles away instead of just around the corner? Why can't I just be that person who settles down in a nice home in the Midwest, finds contentment in her life there, and is always nearby when something important happens?

A nagging voice inside of me thinks it has the answer. I've been cursing this voice all week, cursing the nuggets of truth it contains, but still it continues...

Yes, I'd love nothing more than to be present for every single one of life's joys and sorrows that the people I love go through... but what would happen the vast majority of the time, when no landmark moments are happening? When everyone is just going about living their life, finding their way and creating their happiness? My way, and my happiness have been inextricably linked with travel and new adventures for so long. When distant shores start calling me, and the global life that's shown me neverending possibilities and given me a constant well of personal fulfillment whispers in my ear... how would I justify my choice to turn away from all of that?

I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. I know that I can't simply abandon the life that I want for myself, in order to be present whenever something big happens in other people's lives. For that reason, even when it's a struggle, I continue to make my peace with missing out on so many of those moments. But this time... there is no peace. Not being able to be home right now is killing me. It's just, quite simply, not right. There has to be a middle ground. And I am determined to find it...

i love you little sis...

Couch + Surfing =

As my time in Phnom Penh winds down (5 days and counting), I find myself thinking about all the reasons why I've loved spending the last few months in this one of a kind city. A vast list begins to pile up, that I will hopefully be able to focus on in another blog. But, for now, I just want to talk about one. Diving into this particular adventure had been lurking at the back of mind for quite some time, but when I finally did, the results were even more incredible than I'd imagined.

You've most likely relaxed on a couch before. Perhaps you've had dinner on a couch. I'm sure you've been involved in lifting a couch at least once. Probably, you've cleaned your couch. No doubt you've slept on a couch. Maybe you've even jumped on a couch. But have you ever surfed a couch??? For myself, I'd only had two personal experiences with this verb being applied to living room furniture. Once I surfed another's couch in Korea, and once my own couch was surfed. I had merely dabbled in the vast world of couch surfing. Finally, here in Phnom Penh, circumstances aligned. We had a welcoming home, boasting a great location, in a city that attracts hoards of backpackers, and we had a whole extra bedroom. Shortly after our bags were unpacked, I updated my dusty couchsurfing profile and tried to make it sparkle. Happily, it didn't take long for the couch requests to start flooding in.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with couchsurfing, let me explain. It's a global network of travelers who create profiles and connect with other traveler type folks. These connections are often made in the form of a traveling person requesting to sleep on the 'couch' of a currently stationary person. It's basically a "Hey, how's it going. Nice to meet you. Here let me help you with your bag. Great, well this is your bed in my house for the next few days. Here's an extra set of keys. Let me tell about this place that I live in..." kinda thing. As well as so much more. Millions of people have hosted or surfed with perfect strangers in faraway lands, and the experiences have been overwhelmingly positive. Kinda cool, huh?

My own interest in couchsurfing arose out of a desire to share with others some of the random and amazing hospitality that I've received over my years on the road. Growing up in the states, I have to admit I hadn't really experienced that sort of blanket generosity, and such unquestionable trust and open friendliness truly humbled me and left me in awe. I wanted to share in that beautiful simplicity of people being good and helpful to other people, even though they were strangers, and without asking for anything in return.

Abraham and Ilana

It was on a random day back in May, that a stranger named Brandon arrived at our door, after pre-arranging his stay. Awkwardly, our rookie hosting skills welcomed him in and showed him around. It didn't take long before we were sitting in our living room together, avidly listening while he told his fascinating story of being arrested in Laos for smoking weed. A week later, Asha entered our apartment with her brother Ken, and with her contagiously bright smile and vivacious spirit. An atypical young Korean woman, who feels more at home in the mountains of India than on the shopping streets of Seoul, one couldn't help but be infected by her enthusiasm for life. The next week it was Shannon and Ben who graced our doorstep. He told fascinating stories of being an army lawyer in Seoul, while she recounted a truly hilarious tale of partaking in an actual shake weight competition in Yeoido. Abraham and Ilana fed our curiosities about their African homes, and proved to be genuinely great people to kick back and swap ridiculous and profound travel stories with. Gavin moved in for a few days straight after that, jumping right into the story of how he'd fallen in love with a girl from Indonesia, almost married her, and the heartbreak that followed. Another week passed, and then it was Massimiliano's turn to crash in our spare room, while he pumped us full of so much information on traveling & living in South/Cental America we might just be experts now! Not to mention that divine Italian meal he made for us as well. Sasti and her friend Sofie only passed through briefly, but she made quite an impression when she helped us mop up the aftereffects of our washing machine flooding our whole apartment! Last but definitely not least, Craig and Amy stayed with us for the better part of a week, filling our rooms with their good vibes and easy smiles.

Craig and Amy

Though nothing is asked in return, we have unexpectedly received a mountain of rewards, (as seems to be the case with so many things when they are freely given). Dave and I have hardly left the city limits of Phnom Penh over the last 10 weeks, but 5 different continents have come to us. Over a dozen people from 9 separate countries have passed through our spare bedroom. It has been a truly incredible way of keeping my lust for travel alive, while also enjoying the comforts of a stationary home. Every new person that walks in with a big smile on their face, brings with them fascinating stories, unique experiences, fresh perspectives, and a healthily adventurous spirit. What an amazing gift to have that energy constantly walking into your house! It's inspiring, and it keeps both Dave and I on our toes, ensuring that we never fall into any kind of hum-drum-every-day-is-the-same routine.

Thank you to the friendly, inspiring, hilarious, interesting, helpful, energetic, informative, open-minded, creative and positive couch surfers who have given us the privilege of hosting them for a wee while in our humble home:

• Brandon, from the USA.
• Asha and her brother Ken, from South Korea.
• Shannon and Ben, US expats living in S. Korea
• Abraham and Ilana, from South Africa and Namibia
• Gavin, from Ireland
• Massimiliano, from Italy
• Sasti and Sofie, from Indonesia
• Craig and Amy, from New Zealand and the UK 

Time to go do some surfing of our own now!

I get around.

In this part of the world, getting from A to B is rarely as straightforward as it seems. The simple attempt to transport myself within Cambodia has included everything from being chauffeured by a tuk-tuk fit for a hero, to breaking the sound barrier in a death defying car journey, to lazy bicycling around remote river islands. The only rule seems to be: No matter what I've experienced before, there's just no way of ever knowing what I'm getting into, the next time I decide to journey outside my temporary home.

Our first major journey here was so shockingly smooth and comfortable, I was ready to vote Cambodian bus services among the best in SE Asia. Course, this was to be immediately followed by a patience testing experience, where the bus tickets we'd purchased bought us nothing more than an hour long wait at a roadside pitstop, as we watched the proprietor futilely attempt to wave down the unfazed buses that whizzed past. A world weathered man eventually pulled up in an even more weathered car, and a realization slowly crept in, that this was meant to be our best hope of getting into a vehicle anytime soon. Not without a healthy dose of hesitation, Dave and I clambered into the backseat... only to realize that there were no backs to the seats. The upholstery fabric still hung, limp and frayed, but all form and structure of what the fabric was supposed to cover had disappeared at some unknown time in the car's very distant past. Great, I thought, so much for being able to sit back and relax at all during this 5 hour journey. That was before we shut the doors, and the driving began. Relaxation turned out to be the last thing on our minds. Race track speeds around narrow turns and stomach flipping swerves through unpredictable traffic quickly sent me into a prone position, trying to calm the uprising tides in my gut. Meanwhile, Dave sat rigid and riveted, every muscle tensed to prepare for the seemingly inevitable collision. Thus we remained for the next 3 1/2 hours, when we arrived at our destination far ahead of schedule... far ahead of what should have been possible... unbelievably with all limbs still attached.

A few days later, it was to be a luxury tuk-tuk Batmobile that provided our motorized mobility. (Yes, everything about what you just read is right.) For the 4 days that we explored this regions most prized ancient structures--the Temples of Angkor-- we shuffled between each of those jaw-dropping marvels of lost civilization, in indisputable style. Zooming past the ragtag numbers of normal putt-putting tuk-tuks, we belted out the Batman theme, knowing it would quickly became a distant hum in their ears as they ate our superhero dust.

Da na Na na na na Na na na na Na na na na Na na na na.... BATMAN!!!

After such chest inflating panache, we dialed it down a notch, and hired wiggly wobbly old bicycles to explore the Mekong River island of Koh Paen. Just getting there was half the fun. Every year they rebuild the bridge, because every rainy season it would be washed away if they didn't deconstruct it first. The material of choice for the entire bridge? Bamboo.
From a distance, it looks more like a pile of matchsticks that a strong wind might disrupt. Yet, even cars can clamber across this temporarily constructed gangway of thin hollow rods. Indeed, up close and underpedal, it proved to be remarkably strong...and crunchy... and sorta like pedaling through sand. Once on the other side, our slowed down pace lent itself perfectly to the slowed down way of life that was on display everywhere. Not for the first time in this part of the world, I was struck by how lucky I felt to truly see and experience so much of these people's daily lives. Wandering around Europe, New Zealand, certainly America, and even Korea, one is always left to guess what a day might look like for any individual. The modern world likes its fences. And tinted windows. And doors closed tightly, with locks secured. The modern world considers privacy an assumed and desired right, instead of a privilege, or even an unsocial snub at the community around you. On Koh Paen, life is public and shared. Open windows and doors (if they existed at all), seemed to breed open smiles, and everywhere we pedaled those warm smiles greeted us.

So much constant motion sometimes deserves a break. And break we did. The first month in Phnom Penh, we boarded no buses, rented no bikes, and undertook no journey more adventurous than an average tuk tuk lift across town. Then, our sense of adventure returned. Though drivers in Phnom Penh defy logic, follow almost no rules, and collide on a regular basis... still we decided, 'What the hell? Let's get a motorbike!' As well as two helmets. (I mean, c'mon, a sense of adventure does not negate a sense of wanting to survive said adventure.) Harrowing is definitely a term I would apply to navigating these streets, and I never even navigated them! I quickly realized I would be much happier relying on Dave's very capable motorbiking skills, and intermittently clutching tightly to his waist as collisions were narrowly avoided. Unexpectedly, our motorbiking days were ended prematurely, though not because of the knuckle whitening traffic, but because of the anger inducing Phnom Penh police force. We were pulled over three times in two weeks. Our western skins made us blatant targets and apparently meant that it didn't matter whether we were actually following the rules that nobody else follows. Twice we were bullied into paying exorbitant bribes far beyond even the expected levels of corruption in this part of the world. Blood pumping, fists clenched, and voices barely controlling our pissed off frustrations, we thought it best to avoid another such instance. The next one might very well have broken our precariously controlled temper, and ended up with one or both of us rotting in a Cambodian prison!!

irony.

Getting around in Cambodia serves as a constant reminder that the journey is at least half of the adventure. In hindsight, all these experiences also provide another lesson for me: realizing again that my expectations so often serve only as a roadblock, leaving me blocked into a place of annoyance and frustration, while barricading me from moving into a place where I could simply relish in the pure experience of it all. Whatever doesn't kill me.............. right? :)

Well, now that you've made it to the end, it's time for another rousing game of NAME THAT FRUIT! The winner from my last blog was Shona Simon, who correctly identified the hairy red & green fruits as: Rambutan. They're similar to - but not to be confused with! - lychees, and they're quite delicious. This week I'm upping the challenge, and including two exotic Asian fruits. Can you name both of them?

Relaxation soup

There are countries enough in the world to quench the thirst of every fathomable human desire. Just hearing the names of certain outlined patches of earth can bring to mind such varied and vivid pictures, it's no wonder travel is addicting in that never-ending-my-list-only-gets-longer-the-more-places-I-go kind of way. Throughout the years, my ever-changing yearnings have brought me into the extremely diverse arms of Ireland, India, Greece, New Zealand, and more. Every country satiates something inside of me. Each unexpected surprise down every new road discovered, is another part of my being unearthed. This past January, as I struggled through a very cold Korean winter, and labored through teaching a six week intensive English program (think 80+ hour work weeks), the travel desires that bubbled up in me coalesced into the perfect encapsulation of those desires, all in one incredibly tantalizing word..........................

...............Thailand. 

Like sweet nothings whispered into my ear, that one word sent ripples of pleasure down my spine, allowing me to plow forward through the monotonously wintry work days. As I woke to another dark, snow-covered morning.....(Thailand); as I walked into the office for the fifth Saturday in a row... (Thailand); as I lay under several blankets grading endless papers in a freezing house... (Thailand), as I battled through thigh-numbing wind... (Thailand); as the bittersweet goodbyes to students, friends, colleagues and korean life piled up, Thailand called me forward. With her promised servings of perfect paradise, wrapped in idyllic beaches, covered in unending sun, drenched with pristine waters, sprinkled with simple bamboo huts, garnished with hammocks, served with a side of jungle wilds, and complimented by unbelievably fresh, flavorful foods... I wanted to gorge myself on everything Thailand could offer me, figuratively and literally.

Fortunately for my insatiable hunger, my wonderful partner that I would be reuniting with at the Bangkok airport after 3 months apart, had randomly found himself killing time in a rinky-dink border town the week before, doing the only there was to do there: playing the slots at the fancy and seemingly misplaced casino. Of course, he won the jackpot. This was highly fortunate for me, because his generous spirit meant that he became dead set on spending said jackpot during our first week together in Thailand. Woohooooo!!

Cut to: a week spent within the glorious clutches of a beautiful, peaceful, secluded island resort, off the Andaman coast of Thailand, on a large yet extremely undeveloped island called Koh Yao Yai. Now, don't be fooled by the term 'resort', for this was not your typical manicured-beyond-belief sprawl. Everything about the place was designed to perfectly blend in with it's surroundings, giving off a beautiful barely-there feel.  All the rooms were individual huts, dotting the forested paths, and inside ours was sublime luxury complete with the most amazing outdoor shower EVER. Definitely not typical backpacker digs! Ridiculous perfection, for my indulgent holiday style cravings. For the next week, I tried my damnedest to help blow through the wad of cash burning a hole in Dave's pocket-- we rented motorbikes for a day, tooling around the islands few stretches of pavement with the wind in my hair and an unbelievably huge grin plastered to my face; we took a boat trip around the surrounding islands, beaches, and bays; we ate very well, as well as ordering a bottle of wine every night; and I signed myself up for what turned out to be the best massage I've ever received. We really really tried to live like high-rollers. Yet, still we left with cash to burn. Amateurs I guess.

After seven nights luxuriating in a pool of relaxation soup, I peeled myself away from those lazy days, and quite eagerly jumped into the adventure of actually traveling in Thailand. First stop: Koh Phi Phi, home to a hugely thriving Thailand beach 'scene' thick with travelers and all the comforts and excesses they love. Not quite one who craves such party scenes anymore, I mostly looked forward to what lay around Koh Phi Phi-- namely the turquoise waters that stretched over the incredible dive sites below. I was to start my open water diving course on the very first day we arrived, and for that I was school-girl excited.

The Route

So where the hell am I these days anyway? Well, right now I'm sitting at a cafe in Hanoi, Vietnam. Last week I was in Thailand. Two months ago I was living in Korea. Another couple weeks from now and I'll be in Cambodia. Not a clue where I'll be six months from now, but six months ago I was in Mongolia. What travels will I be writing about?? The current ones, I suppose. But not without a reference, or an homage, here and there to the roads that I've traveled that brought me to wherever I might find myself currently. What exactly are the current travels? Well, after doing this traveling thing for the past 8 years off and on, I thought it was high time I finally cover the route that practically defines the concept of modern-day, cheap travel in faraway lands... good ol' Southeast Asia.

My route is a bit hodge-podgy, starting south, going back up north, making my way south again. Without a doubt, catering my trip towards meeting up with amazing travel partners is an easy choice to make. From Korea, I flew south to Bangkok. After six weeks in Thailand, I flew north to Vietnam. Now, I will trickle down south again, through Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, back through Northern Thailand, over to Burma, and hopefully still have time and funds left for Malaysia and Indonesia. I started on February 7th... I plan to keep going through July, at least.

Though it's already been seven weeks since I began these current travels, I plan to back-track in this blog a bit, and begin where it began. In Bangkok, on Feb. 7th. Stay tuned...