But, there's a whole other aspect of traveling and living abroad that I haven't even touched on. And it's far and away the hardest thing about traveling. It's a million times more difficult than beating the sweltering heat in Phnom Penh, it's more difficult than language barriers in Korea, more difficult than 20 hour bus rides in India, living out of a van for four months in New Zealand, and far more difficult than dragging my ass up a 5000 meter mountain pass in Nepal. The absolute hardest thing about traveling is: being away from those you love. Especially being FAR away. So far that when something happens, something that tears apart the heart of someone you love madly... you have to live with knowing that you can't be there to help.
For those who don't want to read a blog that's going to stop being fun for awhile, and dig deeper into some harsh realities instead... stop now. It was never my intention to write about anything personal here, but I can not pretend that traveling is only about amazing adventures, new cultures, and everlasting memories. Because while I'm on the other side of the planet collecting those memories, back home where my family and so many friends reside, life keeps happening there too. Memories keep being made there, memories that I'm not a part of. And it's not just the tragedies that make me yearn to be closer. There's promotions, birthdays, weddings, births, graduations, and all the other little celebrations, achievements and turning points in life. I miss practically all of them. I can only celebrate with my family and friends in the most important moments of their lives, over Skype. On top of that, there's the hard stuff. Like two months ago, with the passing away of a grandparent, my Grandma Hamm. Even if I'd decided to spend the $1500+ that it would have cost to fly home on short notice, I still wouldn't have made it back in time for the funeral. Cause I'm that far away.
Then this week happens, and it rocks the very core of my being. Last Saturday night, I spent over an hour catching up with my family. Both of my sisters were at home in Kenosha, and my little niece Mckailynn was still awake way past her bedtime. My mom and Stepdad were there, and Mckailynn's father Steve even popped in for a bit while we were all on Skype. I got off the phone thinking I was practically as good as home. That night, Steve tucked Mckailynn into bed, and rubbed my sister' sore back before he left. All was well. But by the next morning, everything had changed forever. By the next morning, my littlest sister's reality had been sliced into bits. Around 2am Steve got into a motorcyle accident, and she had spent dawn's hours holding Steve's hand in a hospital bed, until his injuries overtook him and he died. Her five year roller coaster relationship with the one man that she'd given her whole heart to, was stamped out in the blink of an eye. To see my baby sister uncontrollably sobbing, unimaginably grieving over such a shocking and horrific loss... and to not even be able to offer her a HUG? Is this really the situation I've chosen to put myself in?
While my whole family is struggling to cope with this unbelievable tragedy, I move about the streets of Phnom Penh, blurry eyed and watching the still unfamiliar sights of this world that's so removed from the one that I come from... and I can't help but wonder about the choices I've made. What am I doing here? Why aren't I there? Why is my home a million miles away instead of just around the corner? Why can't I just be that person who settles down in a nice home in the Midwest, finds contentment in her life there, and is always nearby when something important happens?
A nagging voice inside of me thinks it has the answer. I've been cursing this voice all week, cursing the nuggets of truth it contains, but still it continues...
Yes, I'd love nothing more than to be present for every single one of life's joys and sorrows that the people I love go through... but what would happen the vast majority of the time, when no landmark moments are happening? When everyone is just going about living their life, finding their way and creating their happiness? My way, and my happiness have been inextricably linked with travel and new adventures for so long. When distant shores start calling me, and the global life that's shown me neverending possibilities and given me a constant well of personal fulfillment whispers in my ear... how would I justify my choice to turn away from all of that?
I want my cake, and I want to eat it too. I know that I can't simply abandon the life that I want for myself, in order to be present whenever something big happens in other people's lives. For that reason, even when it's a struggle, I continue to make my peace with missing out on so many of those moments. But this time... there is no peace. Not being able to be home right now is killing me. It's just, quite simply, not right. There has to be a middle ground. And I am determined to find it...
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| i love you little sis... |
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